Josie and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat
by welsh-n-proud
Summary: a second try to posting my first ever fanfic. parody of joseph and the dreamcoat. i love joseph and so should you so read it pleeease!
1. Prologue, or the Intro to the cast

Josie and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat  
  
Before you continue! I don't own the Joseph musical in any way (except on DVD, CD, tape and I have the music book) but the characters are not mine to edit...officially. I don't own it but I would very much like to one day...  
  
A Chorus Line I mean...A Cast List  
  
Male Narrator Josie (Joseph) Jakoba, Josie's mother (Jacob) Four Bald Male Dancers (clean shaven, waxed chests, not a hair in sight)  
  
Josie's Sisters are: Ruby (Reuben) Simone (Simeon) (Simon spelt incorrectly) Leila (Levi) (not the jeans) Natalie (Napthali) (what kind of name is that??) Izzy (Issacher) Ashley (Asher)  
  
Dani (Dan) Zelda (Zebulun) Gabby (Gad) (it's the best I could come up with) Judy (Judah) (this sister has to be black, American and filled with attitude) Becky (Benjamin) (couldn't they call him Ben for short?)  
  
Also: Purdifar (Potiphar) (to be played by whoever plays Jakoba) One Bald Male Dancer to play Purdifar's Guy (the most attractive one who can dance the best and put on a really bad Spanish accent) (Mrs Potiphar) Pharaoh (see Act Two Poor, Poor Pharaoh/Song of the Queen for notes) Singer (Butler) {Singer to be played by Simone} Dancer (Butler) {Butler to be played by Izzy} Random Prisoners (to be played by about three to four sisters)  
  
A Kids Choir, dressed in jeans, cheesy Josie and The Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat T-shirts, with white ribbons in their hair and wearing white socks and black jazz shoes Costumes must be accurate. I would know as I was a member of the Joseph Tour Choir (Bill Kenwright) in both Cardiff (Nov. 2003) and Swansea (Jan. 2004). If you saw either of those shows please leave a NICE review!! Thank yoooou!  
  
ACT ONE  
  
Prologue  
  
(The curtain is down, the kids of the Josie Choir are shushing each other while cast members adjust their costume. Enter Narrator in front of closed curtain. The music starts)  
  
Narrator: Some folks dream of the wonders they'll do,  
  
Before their time on this planet is through,  
  
Some just don't have anything planned,  
  
Maybe go abroad, maybe get tanned (looks puzzled, but shrugs and continues anyway)  
  
I don't say who is left, who is right,  
  
But if by chance you are here for the night,  
  
Then all I need is an hour or two,  
  
To tell the tale of a tart just like you,  
  
We all dream a lot,  
  
I am lucky, (smiles) but most are not,  
  
But if you think it,  
  
Want it,  
  
Dream it, then it's real,  
  
You are what you see ... damn, I mean, feel...  
  
But all that I sing, can be told another way!  
  
(The curtain rises, to reveal a bunch of squirming children, in ill-fitting jeans and cheesy JOSIE T- shirts, and cast members, still fiddling with their mikes*)  
  
In a story of a girl who's dreams came true,  
  
And he could be ... you...  
  
Whole Company: Josie, Josie, Is it really true?  
  
Josie, Josie, Is it really you?  
  
Josie... Josie...  
  
*Mikes = microphones, in case you were wondering! 


	2. Any Dream Will Do

Don't own it, don't sue me.  
  
Any Dream Will Do (Any Goat Will Do)  
  
J: I close my eyes  
  
Drew back the curtain  
  
To see for certain,  
  
What I thought I knew,  
  
Far, far away,  
  
Someone was crying,  
  
But the world was lying...down  
  
Any dream will do.  
  
I had my goat  
  
Kids: I had my goat  
  
J: With gold bed lining  
  
Kids: Bed of hay  
  
J: It's coat was shining  
  
Wonderful and new  
  
And in the East  
  
Kids: And in the East  
  
J: The dawn was breaking,  
  
And the world was waking  
  
Whole Company: Any dream will do!  
  
J: A crash of drums  
  
A flash of light,  
  
My coloured goat  
  
Ran out of sight  
  
Whole Company: The colours faded into darkness  
  
J: I was left alone,  
  
May I return?  
  
Kids: May I return?  
  
J: To the beginning,  
  
The light is dimming,  
  
And my dream is too,  
  
The world and I  
  
Kids: The world and I  
  
J: We are still waiting,  
  
Still hesitating  
  
Whole Company: Any dream will do!  
  
Any dream will do!  
  
Any dream will do! 


	3. Jakoba and Girls, Josie's Goat

Don't own it, don't sue me.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Jakoba and Girls  
  
Narrator: Way, way back many centuries ago,  
  
A long time after the Bible began,  
  
Jakoba lived in the land of Canaan,  
  
A fine example, A fam'ly wo-man.  
  
Jakoba, Jakoba and Girls,  
  
Depended on working to earn their keep,  
  
Jakoba, Jakoba and Girls,  
  
Have many pets, from birds to sheep.  
  
Jakoba was the founder of a whole new nation,  
  
Thanks to the number of girls that she  
  
Had, Was know as Israel but most of the time  
  
Her husbands and girls used to call her "Jackie!"  
  
Jakoba, Jakoba and Girls,  
  
Girls of style, of chic, good looks,  
  
Jakoba, Jakoba and Girls,  
  
An elegant fam'ly in anyone's book.  
  
(Enter sisters; the NAMES are cues for each sister)  
  
Ruby was the oldest of the children of Israel  
  
Simone and Leila were next in line,  
  
Natalie, Izzy, Ashley and Dani,  
  
Zelda and Gabby took the total to niney,  
  
Jakoba, Jakoba and Girls,  
  
Becky and Judy, which leaves only one,  
  
Jakoba, Jakoba and Girls,  
  
Josie, Jackie's favourite girl.  
  
Jakoba, Jakoba and Girls,  
  
Jakoba, Jakoba and Girls,  
  
Jakoba, Jakoba and Girls,  
  
Jakoba, Jakoba, Jakoba...  
  
Jakoba and Girls!  
  
~~~~~  
  
Josie's Goat  
  
Jackie: Josie's father, he was quite my favourite guy,  
  
Never really loved another all my life,  
  
Josie was my joy because  
  
She reminded me of her  
  
Narrator: Through young Josie, Jackie lived her youth again,  
  
Loved and praised her, gave her all she could but then,  
  
It made the rest feel second best,  
  
But even though they were...  
  
Sisters: Being told that she's so grand!  
  
Does not make us Josie fans!  
  
Narrator: But where they had really missed the boat is  
  
Sisters: We're sluts too but no-one seems to notice!  
  
N: Josie's charm and winning smiles,  
  
Failed to slay them in the aisles,  
  
And now Jackie couldn't see the danger,  
  
She could not imagine any danger,  
  
She just saw in Josie all her dreams come true. ~ Jackie wanted to show the world she loved her girl  
  
To make it clear, Josie was the brightest pearl  
  
So Jackie bought her girl a goat!  
  
A multicoloured goat to keep!  
  
Sis: Josie's goat was so cute and so divine,  
  
It's coat was elegant,  
  
It's horns shiny and so fine,  
  
And this is why, It caught the eye,  
  
Dani: It even likes our sheep!  
  
N: And when Josie fed the goat,  
  
She noticed it matched Joseph's coat,  
  
Such a puzzling goat of many colours,  
  
How she loved her goat of many colours,  
  
In a class above them all,  
  
It even liked to chase a ball (?)  
  
Such a clever goat of many colours,  
  
How she loved her goat of many colours!  
  
It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue!  
  
{key change}  
  
Josie's sisters weren't too pleased with what she had.  
  
Sis: Normally we'd say Josie wasn't quite so bad,  
  
But now this goat,  
  
Has got our coat,  
  
We feel life is unfair!  
  
N & Choir: And when Josie graced the scene,  
  
Her sisters turned a shade of green,  
  
Her astounding goat, it took the biscuit,  
  
Sis: Quite the sweetest pet within the district!  
  
Josie: It's so cute,  
  
It's so smart,  
  
My goat's a walking work of art,  
  
Such a dazzling goat of many colours,  
  
How I love it's coat of many colours!  
  
Whole Company: It was  
  
red, yellow, green, brown,  
  
scarlet, black, ochre, peach,  
  
ruby, olive, violet, fawn,  
  
lilac, gold, chocolate, mauve,  
  
cream, crimson, silver, rose,  
  
azure, lemon, russet, grey,  
  
purple, white, pink, orange and  
  
(shouted) BLUE! 


	4. Josie's dreams, Poor Poor Josie

I don't own "Joseph and the..." so don't sue.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Josie's Dreams  
  
N: Josie's goat annoyed the others  
  
Sis: But what makes us mad  
  
Are the things that Josie tells us of  
  
The dreams she's often had  
  
Josie: I dreamed that in the store one day  
  
The clothes gave me a sign,  
  
Your eleven mini-skirts all turned and bowed to mine,  
  
My skirt was quite a sight to see!  
  
A black mini-skirt, so small  
  
Yours were long, and second rate  
  
They weren't sexy at all!  
  
Sis: This is not the kind of thing  
  
We sisters like to hear,  
  
It seems to us that Josie  
  
And her dreams should disappear...  
  
Josie: I dreamed I saw eleven stars  
  
The sun, the moon and sky  
  
Bowing down at my pedicured feet  
  
It made me wonder why...  
  
Could it be that I was born for  
  
Higher fashion than you?  
  
Shopping out in Gay Paris (said Paree),  
  
And in Milan too!  
  
Sis: Ha!  
  
The dreams of dear old Josie are,  
  
The decade's biggest yawn!  
  
Her talk of skirts and sexy things  
  
Are really not hardcore  
  
Not only is she tactless but she's also not right up there (point to their brains)  
  
'Cause there's eleven of us and there's only one of her!  
  
Ruby: The dreams of course will not come true!  
  
Simone: That is, we think they won't come true  
  
Natalie: That is we  
  
Sis: HOPE they won't come true!  
  
What if she's right all the long?  
  
The dreams are more than crystal clear,  
  
The writing's on the wall  
  
Mean's that Josie someday soon  
  
Will rise above us all!  
  
The accuracy of the dreams  
  
We sisters do not know,  
  
One thing we are sure about,  
  
The dreamer has to go!  
  
HA!  
  
~~~~~  
  
Poor, Poor Josie  
  
N: Next day, far from home,  
  
The sisters planned a repulsive crime!  
  
Sis: Let us grab her now,  
  
Mess her clothes while we got the time!  
  
N: This they did and made the most of it,  
  
Creased her shirt and threw mud over it.  
  
Sis: Let us leave her here,  
  
All alone, and she's bound to cry!  
  
N: When some Ishmelites,  
  
A scary crew came riding by...  
  
(enter Hell's Angels on motorbikes. They're actually the male dancers wearing really unconvincing beards and leather...a lot of very kinky leather)  
  
N: In a flash, the sisters changed their plan  
  
Leila: We need cash!  
  
Sis: Let's sell her if we can!  
  
Becky: (shouted) No!  
  
Sis: Yeah...  
  
N & Kids: Poor, poor Josie,  
  
Whatcha gonna do,  
  
Things look bad for you, hey,  
  
Whatcha gonna do? (x2)  
  
Sis: Could you use a girl?  
  
You scary bunch of Ishmelites!  
  
Young, cute, well behaved,  
  
Going cheap, and she'll work all night.  
  
Hell's Angel 1: Going cheap and she'll work all night? (all four start rubbing their hands and they pass Hell's Angel 1 all their shiny silver coins)  
  
N: In a trice the dirty deal was done,  
  
20 coins for Jackie's favourite one.  
  
Then the Ishmelites, revved up with the slave at side,  
  
Off to Egypt and Josie was not keen to ride,  
  
It wouldn't be a picnic, she could tell.  
  
Josie: And I don't speak Egyptian very well!  
  
Sis: Ha, ha, ha-ha!  
  
N: Josie's sisters tore  
  
Her precious multicoloured goat  
  
Having ripped it up,  
  
They next attacked a walking coat,  
  
Soon the dull dark fabric was no more,  
  
They ripped the coat the seams, the zips in awe...  
  
(plus Kids) Oh now sisters,  
  
How low can you stoop?  
  
You make an ugly group,  
  
Hey, how low can you stoop?  
  
Poor, poor Josie,  
  
Sold to be a slave,  
  
Situation's grave, hey  
  
Sold to be a slave.  
  
Sold to be a slave.  
  
Sold...to...be...a...slave... 


	5. One more Angel, Purdifar

I said it once, I'll say it again. I don't own it so don't sue.  
  
............::::::::::::............  
  
One More Angel  
  
Sis: Mother we've something to tell you,  
  
A story of the time,  
  
A gross and yet inspiring thing,  
  
A girl put in her prime,  
  
You know you had a dozen girls,  
  
Now that's ... not so true,  
  
Feel no sorrow, do not grieve,  
  
We do not want you too.  
  
Ruby: 'Cause there's one more angel in heaven  
  
Sis: Ah-ah  
  
R: There's one more star in the sky,  
  
Josie, we'll never forget you,  
  
But I guess we're gonna get by,  
  
Sis: There's one less place at our table...  
  
Jackie: There's one more tear near my eye!  
  
Sis: But Josie the things that you stood for  
  
Simone: Like beauty and health never die!  
  
Sis: Josie died as she wished to,  
  
She answered duties call,  
  
She single-handed unstitched the coat  
  
That would have killed us all  
  
Her bloodstained goat is tribute to her final sacrifice,  
  
Her body may be past sell-by*  
  
I bet her soul's in make-up Paradise!  
  
(back to chorus: there's one more...)  
  
R: When I think of her last great battle,  
  
A lump comes to my throat,  
  
It takes a sister, who knows no fear,  
  
To un-pick the stitching of a coat!  
  
Sis: Carve her name with style and fashion!  
  
Izzy: Her name ended in E! (all sisters look at her in confusion before the music starts up again)  
  
Sis: If she had not lay down her life,  
  
Mud-splattered we would be...  
  
*sell-by as in sell-by-date (best before...)  
  
~~~~~  
  
Purdifar  
  
N & Kids: Josie was taken to Egypt on bikes and sold.  
  
Where she was bought by a designer named Purdifar... ~ N: Purdifar had quite a lot of cares,  
  
Wanted so hard to be a millionaire,  
  
Tried to make a fortune buying shares in...  
  
Purdifar: Pyramids!  
  
(spoken) It's a great new fashion company!  
  
N: Purdifar wished to make a huge pile,  
  
Dreamed to own percentage of the Nile,  
  
Purdifar: How I wish to really live in style!  
  
N: And she wished!  
  
Purdifar: (spoken) My full name is actually Lisa Purdifar! (cheesy smile inserted here)  
  
N & Kids: Josie was an unimportant slave who found she liked her master,  
  
Consequently worked much harder, even with devotion,  
  
Purdifar could see that Josie was much weirder than the average  
  
But made her leader of design team, maximum promotion!  
  
N: Purdifar was cool and so fine,  
  
Purdifar: But my guy would never tow the line!  
  
N: We nicked it out of Chapter 99 of Emma's story.  
  
Purdifar: (spoken) Who the hell is Emma??  
  
N: He was really fit but evil,  
  
Danced with a lot of girls against her will,  
  
How this song ends could get really gory...(scrunches nose up as Purdifar's guy comes on in leather hotpants and pink feather boa)  
  
N & Kids: Josie's looks and feminine figure had attracted his attention,  
  
Every morning he would beckon;  
  
Purdifar's Guy: Come Macarena with me, Josie!  
  
N & Kids: Josie wanted to resist him,  
  
'Til one day he proved to eager,  
  
Josie cried in vain...!  
  
Jo: Please stop I don't believe in dancing!  
  
Purdifar's Guy: (spoken) C'mon, you know you want to!  
  
(cheesy Macarena music as Purdifar's Guy and Josie Macarena) ~ N & Kids: Purdifar was counting fabric's in her store below the dance-hall,  
  
When she heard a mighty rumpus clattering above her,  
  
Suddenly she knew designing couldn't pay just what she wanted,  
  
Sequins would never make her happy if he didn't love her!  
  
N: Letting out a mighty grr ...  
  
Purdifar: GRR!  
  
N: Purdifar burst through the door ...  
  
Purdifar: Josie I'll see you ROT in jail!  
  
The songs you have danced to are beyond the pale...  
  
N & Kids: Poor, poor Josie,  
  
Locked up in a cell,  
  
Things ain't going well, hey  
  
Locked up in a cell.  
  
Locked up in a cell,  
  
Locked up in a cell... 


	6. Close Every Store

*insert disclaimer here about not owning characters of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat*  
  
:~:~:~:~:~:  
  
Close Every Store  
  
Josie: Close every store to me,  
  
Turn every sign to closed,  
  
Pull down the shutters  
  
To hide all the clothes,  
  
Do what you want with me,  
  
Measure and moan at me,  
  
When it's five thirty,  
  
What do you suppose...?  
  
If my style were important I  
  
Would ask will it be designed?  
  
But I know the answers lie far from this world.  
  
Close every store to me,  
  
Keep clothes I love from me,  
  
Designers in our world  
  
Are never alone,  
  
For I know I shall find,  
  
My own peace of mind,  
  
For I have been promised,  
  
A store of my own.  
  
Kids: La la la la la la ...  
  
Just give me a nametag  
  
To tell them my name  
  
Forget all about me  
  
And give me crap pay!  
  
I do not matter  
  
I'm just an employee,  
  
Throw me away  
  
After you destroy me!  
  
If my style were important,  
  
I WOULD ASK! Will it get designed?  
  
But I know the answers lie far from this world...  
  
{key change!}  
  
J & Kids: Close every store to me,  
  
Keep clothes I love from me,  
  
Designers in our world  
  
Are never alone,  
  
For we know we shall find,  
  
Our own peace of mind,  
  
For we have been promised,  
  
A store of our own! 


	7. Go Go Go Josie

Don't own "Joseph and the..." so don't hurt/sue/eat me.  
  
........................  
  
Go, Go, Go Josie  
  
Narrator: Josie's luck was really out,  
  
Her cheques, credit cards and cash were low,  
  
Alone she sat, alone she thought  
  
Of brightly-lit shops she used to know,  
  
Hey shopper, don't be so upset!  
  
Hey Josie! You're not beaten yet!  
  
Go, go, go Josie you know what they say!  
  
Hang on now Josie, you'll make it some day.  
  
Sha la la Josie, you're doing fine,  
  
You and your dream-goat  
  
Ahead of your time.  
  
The prison walls were dull and grey,  
  
Her jewel'ry heavy, weighed her down,  
  
A candle was her only light,  
  
Ricky Martin's album, the only sound,  
  
Random Prisoner: (screamed) NO!  
  
N: Hey shopper, don't be so upset!  
  
Hey Josie! You're not beaten yet!  
  
Go, go, go Josie you know what they say! Hang on now Josie, you'll make it some day.  
  
Don't give up Josie, fight 'til you drop,  
  
She wrote the book (points to Random Prisoner onstage)  
  
Random Prisoner: And you come out on top!  
  
N: (spoken) Yes. Quite. *clears throat*  
  
(sang) Now in the prison cell with Josie,  
  
Were two very frightened whores.  
  
Girls: (spoken as if they're really offended) Hey!  
  
(sang) We don't think we'll ever  
  
Again walk through those doors (point to prison doors)  
  
Hey Josie, Help us if you can,  
  
We've had dreams that we don't understand...  
  
N: Both girls were working for Pharaoh the Queen  
  
Both sent to prison for being so mean,  
  
One girl a singer, dreamed to be number one,  
  
One a ballerina, her toes had gone numb.  
  
J: Tell me of your dreams, new friends,  
  
And I will tell you what they show,  
  
And I know that I can guarantee  
  
To get it right so I'll have a go!  
  
N: First the singer, trembling took the floor,  
  
Nervously she spoke of what she saw...  
  
Singer: I had a dream  
  
I was about to perform,  
  
But got a zit which was  
  
Larger than the norm*  
  
It was so ugly,  
  
It filled the whole stage,  
  
Even in the programme  
  
It had it's own page!  
  
(pouts)  
  
J: You will soon be free, my friend  
  
So do not pout anymore,  
  
The Queen will let you out of here  
  
You'll sing as you did before!  
  
N: Next the dancer rose to tell her dream,  
  
Hoping it would have a similar theme...  
  
Dancer: There I was standing,  
  
Waiting to dance,  
  
I had an audition  
  
For a dance school in France!  
  
They called out my name,  
  
I jumped up with glee,  
  
But I was too eager,  
  
And I sprained my knee.  
  
J: Sad to say your dream is not  
  
The kind of dream I've ever had,  
  
The Queen definitely has it in for you,  
  
So maybe your dream is something bad.  
  
Don't rely on all I said I saw,  
  
It's just that I have not been wrong before...  
  
Whole Company: Go, go, go Josie you know what they say!  
  
Hang on now Josie you'll make it some day!  
  
Sha la la Josie, you're doing fine,  
  
You and your dream-goat ahead of your time! (x3)  
  
{key change!!}  
  
(sing chorus twice)  
  
Ahead of your time!  
  
Ahead of your time!  
  
Ahead of your time!  
  
GO, GO, GO JO!  
  
*curtain falls* *wild applause*  
  
Announcer Guy: Thank you for surviving Act One. There will be one interval of twenty minutes. Please return to your seats promptly for more pointless singing about a goat that does absolutely bugger all. Thank you.  
  
*norm = normal (for everyone that was unsure of my weird choice of words) 


	8. A Pharoah Story

Enjoy act two. You stuck with me this long? God you're brave. Don't own it so :P  
  
# # # #  
  
ACT TWO  
  
Narrator: (spoken before the curtains go up) So Josie Choir, are you ready for act two?  
  
Kids: Yes, Mr Narrator.  
  
N: Good. So are you looking forward to carrying on with the show?  
  
Kids: Yes, Mr Narrator.  
  
Random Kid 1: Are you gay, Mr Narrator?  
  
N: Wh-  
  
Random Kid 1: It's just - my friends say that any male singer is gay and I was just wondering if that was the case here.  
  
N: Well, I am shocked. I'm not gay!  
  
Random Kid 1: Oh. Ok.  
  
N: But my boyfriend is! (winks. Kid looks scared. Opening music starts up to tune of Go, Go, Go Josie - running through an overture - as cast members run around the stage, looking for various props. Four bald male dancers wearing nothing but fairy wings and tiger-print thongs get into position in the wings- two each side -and the Narrator grabs the nearest eight kids to form a listening circle - or horseshoe, think of the shape - around him for the opening of act two)  
  
Random Kid 2: What are you doing, Mr Gay Narrator?  
  
N: Well, I have to sing to you brats, and when we start the second song of the second act, you go back into positions at the side of the stage ok?  
  
Random Kid 3: Okay. Will you wink when we have to move? Just so we know when to move.  
  
N: Yes. But no-ones parents are suing me this time, okay kids?  
  
(All kids, cast members, and thong-wearing fairies nod)  
  
(The curtain rises as Go, Go, Go Josie music turns into ...)  
  
~~~~~  
  
A Pharaoh Story  
  
N: Pharaoh, she was a powerful woman,  
  
With the ancient world in the palm of her hand,  
  
To all intents and purposes, she  
  
Was Egypt, with a capital V,  
  
Whatever she did, she was showered with frays,  
  
If she cracked a joke, no-one spoke of it for days,  
  
No-one had sense or good-looks like the Queen,  
  
In fact, you could say, the King was rather too keen... (rolls his eyes and sighs before carrying on)  
  
When Pharaoh's around,  
  
Then you get down on the ground (all kids except Random Kid 2 fall to their feet. Random Kid 1 pulls Random Kid 2's trouser-leg and Random Kid 2 falls to the floor)  
  
If you ever find yourself near Ramasees,  
  
Get down on your trees - shit - knees  
  
Kids: A Pharaoh Story (x4)  
  
N: Down at the other end of the scale,  
  
Josie is still doing time in jail,  
  
For even though she is in with the guards,  
  
A lifetime in prison seems quite on the cards,  
  
But...  
  
Josie: (spoken as she's brought onstage by a sister - Ruby - dressed as the Head Guard) What? Lifetime?  
  
N: (music stops. Narrator picks up a script that has materialised in the hands of Random Kid 1. Spoken) Yes, it says here, and I quote: "a lifetime in prison seems quite on the cards"  
  
J: Why a lifetime? Why not a few years? All I did was the bloody Macarena.  
  
N: Hey. You mess with Purdifar and you're messing with the whole damn musical.  
  
J: I much preferred Joseph and his dream coat. (sits on the bench placed onstage for the Narrator to sit on) I mean, who wants to see a musical about a goat? Which doesn't even DO anything?  
  
Random Kid 1: People paid good money to see a musical about an irritating, ginger, freckled, stupid orphan.  
  
RK2: And people paid to see a musical about a load of screechy cats.  
  
RK3: Yeah, and about ... um ... a nun, disguised as a governess, who's fallen hopelessly in love with the baron, while looking after seven really horrible children.  
  
RK2: They were nice to her towards the end though, weren't they?  
  
Josie: Yeah. She took them singing too, didn't she? She taught them about music. See, that's what I want to do. Teach kids about music, not sing about a goat to a theatre full of people, hoping to kill themselves because the play is so crap and boring that they'd rather pay their taxes than watch it.  
  
Musical Director: (from the pit at the front of the stage) Couldn't agree more!  
  
*audience applause*  
  
Josie: (to the Narrator) Sorry, you carry on! Don't mind me! (trots back to position next to Head Guard)  
  
N: *clears throat* But if my analysis of the position is right,  
  
At the end of the tunnel there's a glimmer of shite,  
  
For all of a sudden, there's been visions and things,  
  
Disturbing the sleep of both Queens, and Kings  
  
Strange as it seems there's been a run of crazy dreams,  
  
And a girl who can interpret could go far,  
  
Could become a star!  
  
Kids: Could be famous, Could be a big success (x2)  
  
All: Could be a sta-a-a-a-a-a-r! 


	9. Poor Poor Pharoah, Song of the Queen

DISCLAIMER: Joseph isn't mine to officially edit edit... ...Yet  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Poor, Poor Pharaoh,/Song of the Queen  
  
(Narrator winks as all children return to their seats, except Random Kid 3. Narrator gives her a kick, and some parent yells "I'm suing you, you gay pervert!". Random Kid 3 shrugs and moves back to seat)  
  
Narrator: Guess what?  
  
In her bed,  
  
Pharaoh had an amazing night  
  
She had,  
  
Had a dream which  
  
Pinned her hair back tight with fright,  
  
No one knew the meaning of the dream,  
  
What to do, whatever could it mean?  
  
Then her singer said:  
  
Singer: I know of a girl in jail,  
  
Who is hot on random dreams, could explain old Pharaoh's tale!  
  
N: Pharaoh said:  
  
Pharaoh: (enter Pharaoh, a woman dressed in a long gold dress and is wearing a single white glove which reaches her elbow, smoking a cigarette on a long cigarette-holder a la Cruella DeVill and walking a poodle. The woman looks about 70, and has long, dyed blonde hair wrapped up into a fancy bun, heavily caked in make-up)  
  
Fetch this Josie, love.  
  
I need her to find my missing glove!  
  
N and Choir: Poor, Poor Pharaoh,  
  
Whatcha gonna do?  
  
Gloves are dodging you, hey  
  
Whatcha gonna do? (x2)  
  
N: Chained and bound,  
  
Afraid, Alone!  
  
Josie stood before the throne!  
  
J: My service to Pharaoh has begun  
  
Here is your glove, Golden one!  
  
(hands other glove to Pharaoh. Pharaoh puts on the glove and smiles)  
  
(music stops)  
  
Pharaoh: (in a gravely voice) Thanks. *cough* But, could you hear my dreams too? Because I really can't fathom them. And they're really bugging me...  
  
J: Yeah, sure. You go ahead.  
  
(Music starts again. Enter sisters dressed in gold guard outfits, and fairy- winged thong wearing dancers, and the Singer, dressed in a gold bikini/skirt thing)  
  
Pharaoh: Well I was wondering along  
  
The shops on the high-street  
  
When seven sex-gods  
  
Came out of a store, Aha-ha  
  
Chorus: Bap-shu-wa-doo-wa, Bap-bap-shu-wa-doo-wa!  
  
Ph: And right behind these fine, healthy animals  
  
Came seven plain women,  
  
Skinny and vile, Aha-ha  
  
Chorus: Bap-shu-wa-doo-wa, Bap-bap-shu-wa-doo-wa!  
  
Ph: And the plain girls got the sex-gods,  
  
Which I thought would do them good, Aha-ha  
  
Chorus: Bap-shu...  
  
Ph: But it didn't make them happy  
  
Like I thought a hunky sex-god would  
  
Chorus: Bap-shu...  
  
Ph: The plain girls were as plain as they had ever,  
  
Ever, ever been!  
  
This dream has got me baffled so Josie,  
  
What does it mean?  
  
Now you know that I'm a bit senile,  
  
So I don't have a clue,  
  
And don't be cruel Josie,  
  
Help me now, I'm begging you!  
  
~  
  
And I was standing, doing nothing  
  
In a shop just in town  
  
When I saw seven beautiful pairs of earrings, Ah-ha  
  
Chorus: Bap-shu...  
  
Ph: You were right,  
  
They were golden,  
  
But you guessed it,  
  
Right behind them  
  
There were seven other pairs,  
  
Silver and old! Aha-ha  
  
Chorus: Bap-shu...  
  
Ph: The silver outsold the gold pairs  
  
Must've come up from behind  
  
Ruby: (playing the Head Guard, the one who brought Josie on at the beginning of Act Two, remember??)  
  
Yes they did!  
  
Chorus: Bap-shu...  
  
Ph: And Josie here's the punch line,  
  
It's really gonna blow your mind  
  
Chorus: Bap-shu...  
  
Ruby: (while chorus sing Bap-shu...) Flip your lid!  
  
Ph: The silver were as popular as they'd ever,  
  
Ever, ever been!  
  
This dream has got me all shook up,  
  
Treat me nice and tell me what it means!  
  
~  
  
Hey, hey, hey Josie!  
  
Chorus: Ba-ba-ba-ba...  
  
Ph: Won't you tell poor old Pharaoh,  
  
What does this crazy,  
  
Crazy  
  
Crazy  
  
Dream mean?  
  
Oh...yeah!  
  
*insert wild applause here from members of the Chorus* 


	10. Dreams Explained, Stone the Crows

Disclaimer: Not mine, you no sue.  
  
; ; ; ; ;  
  
Pharaoh's Dreams Explained  
  
J: Seven years of bumper styles are on their way,  
  
Years of fashion, endless chic, that's what they say!  
  
The shops will boom,  
  
There won't be room,  
  
To store the surplus clothes you get!  
  
After that, the future doesn't look so bright,  
  
Egypt's luck will change completely overnight  
  
And famine's hand will stalk the land,  
  
With CLOTHES low, but don't you fret!  
  
Noble Queen, there is no doubt,  
  
What those dreams are all about,  
  
All things you saw in designer pyjamas,  
  
Are a long range forecast for designers!  
  
And I'm sure it's crossed your mind  
  
What it is you have to find,  
  
Find a girl to lead you through your trouble,  
  
To be a boss, and raise her wage to double!  
  
But, who this boss could be I just don't know...  
  
Chorus: Who this girl could be we just don't...  
  
J: Who this boss could be, I just don't know...  
  
Chorus: Who this girl could be we just don't...  
  
All: Who this girl could be I just don't... JO!  
  
~~~~~  
  
Stone The Crows  
  
N: Pharaoh said:  
  
Ph: Well stone the crows,  
  
This Josie is a clever kid,  
  
Who'd have though fourteen earrings  
  
Meant the things she said they did,  
  
Josie, you must help me further,  
  
I have found a job for you,  
  
You shall lead us through this crisis,  
  
You shall be my Number Two!  
  
N: Pharaoh told her guards to fetch a chainsaw from the local store,  
  
Whereupon she ordered them to cut the chains that Josie wore,  
  
Josie got a royal pardon, and a host of splendid things,  
  
A company car, a suit, a nametag and a golden ring,  
  
Josie!  
  
Kids: Josie!  
  
N: Pharaoh's Number Two,  
  
Josie!  
  
Kids: Josie!  
  
N: Egypt looks to you,  
  
Chorus: Ah, Ah!  
  
N: Seven seasons on the trot  
  
Were stylish just as Josie said,  
  
Josie saw that clothes were gathered  
  
Ready for the years ahead,  
  
Seven years of famine followed,  
  
Egypt did not mind a bit,  
  
The first recorded clothes-rationing  
  
In history was a hit!  
  
Bald Dancers: (enter wearing new zebra-print thongs and new fairy wings with glitter on the outline) Josie, how can we ever say,  
  
All that we want to about you,  
  
We're so glad that you came our way,  
  
We would be naked without you!  
  
Ph: Josie, we are the perfect team,  
  
Old buddies, that's you and me,  
  
I was wise to have chosen you,  
  
You'd be wise to agree *cough*  
  
Bald Dancers and Kids: Josie, how can we ever say,  
  
All that we want to about you,  
  
We're so glad that you came our way,  
  
We would be naked without you!  
  
Ph: We were in a jam,  
  
Would've baffled Giorgio Am*  
  
But now we're a design team  
  
It's just a piece of cake  
  
Dancers and Kids: Like Dolce and Gabbana,  
  
There's no style without her!  
  
Ph & J: Anyone from anywhere Can make it if they get a lucky break!  
  
N: This could be a happy ending perfect place to stop the show,  
  
Josie, after all, has gone about as far as we told her so,  
  
But I'm sure Jakoba and the other girls have crossed your mind,  
  
Had fashion famine hit the family  
  
Josie left behind?  
  
*Giorgio Am = Giorgio Armani, in case you were wondering! 


	11. Those Canaan Days

Don't own it and you know it!  
  
o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o  
  
Those Canaan Days  
  
Jakoba: Do you remember the good shops in Canaan?  
  
The sales were endlessly gold!  
  
The racks were a patchwork of colour,  
  
The shops were never too cold!  
  
We strolled down the high street together,  
  
And everything 'round us was fine,  
  
Now the stores are dead and bare,  
  
No joie de vivre anywhere,  
  
Et mantenan, we sing a bitter rhyme...  
  
Sis: Those Canaan Days,  
  
We used to know,  
  
Where have they gone,  
  
Where did they go?  
  
Et bien, raise your perfectly-in-fashion berets,  
  
To those Canaan days  
  
Dani: Do you remember those raves we got hammered*  
  
The best ones that Canaan received,  
  
Those extravagant, elegant dresses,  
  
The most stylish the Bible has seen,  
  
It's funny,  
  
But since we've lost Josie,  
  
We've gone to the other extreme...  
  
Izzy: No-one comes to dinner now!  
  
(pause)  
  
Sis: You'd only eat them anyhow! (Izzy looks upset)  
  
We even find we're missing Josie's dreams  
  
Those Canaan Days  
  
We used to know,  
  
Where have they gone?  
  
Where did they go?  
  
Et bien, raise your perfectly-in-fashion berets,  
  
To those Canaan days...  
  
(dance between Natalie and Random Bald Dancer) (instrumental while this is happening)  
  
Jackie: It's funny, but since we've lost Josie,  
  
We've gone to the other extreme  
  
Dani: Perhaps we all misjudged her fad**  
  
Perhaps she wasn't quite that bad  
  
Sis: And how we miss her entertaining dreams!  
  
Those Canaan Days  
  
We used to know,  
  
Where have they gone?  
  
Where did they go?  
  
Et bien, raise your perfectly-in-fashion berets,  
  
To -  
  
Those Canaan Days.  
  
~ Blackout ~  
  
*Hammered - Drunk as a skunk **Fad - It's like a trend 


	12. Sisters go to Egypt, Grovel, Grovel

Don't own it don't sue me.  
  
ánÔ?+þ¸©¯`\ÓÓ¨!?+Æ  
  
The Sisters Go To Egypt/Grovel, Grovel  
  
Narrator: So back in Canaan the future looked rough!  
  
Jackie's family were finding it tough  
  
Sis: For the famine has caught us unprepared,  
  
Our clothes are out of date!  
  
And we are getting scared!  
  
It's enough to make anyone blurt*  
  
We are down to our very last shirt,  
  
We will cry if we hang around here,  
  
But in Egypt, there's things going spare,  
  
They've got tops, they've got bags,  
  
They've got gloves and scarves,  
  
And if we had time  
  
We could have a laugh!  
  
N & Kids: So they finally decided to go,  
  
Off to Egypt to see sister Jo,  
  
Where they all crowded 'round Josie's store  
  
Sis: We need clothes,  
  
Have you got any more?  
  
N: Josie found it a strain not to laugh because,  
  
Not a sister among them knew who she was!  
  
Josie: I shall now take them all for a ride,  
  
After all, they tried the female version of fratricide... ~ I dreamed that in the store one day  
  
The clothes gave me a sign,  
  
Your eleven mini skirts all turned and bowed to mine,  
  
I dreamed I saw eleven stars  
  
The sun, the moon and sky  
  
Bowing down at my pedicured feet,  
  
And now I realise why! ~ How do I know where you come from?  
  
You could be rich!  
  
Telling me you have no outfits,  
  
It would make me sick,  
  
How do I know who you are?  
  
Why do you think I should clothe you,  
  
Would you help me?  
  
Sis: (shouted) Yes!  
  
J: Why on earth should I believe you,  
  
I've no guarantee...  
  
Sis: Grovel, grovel,  
  
Cringe, bow, stoop, fall,  
  
Worship, we'll shop!  
  
Beg, kneel, sponge, crawl (x2)  
  
We are just eleven sisters,  
  
Stylish, that's true,  
  
Though we know our fashion's nothing,  
  
When up next to you!  
  
"In this season's" our middle name!  
  
Style is slowly ebbing from us,  
  
Chic almost gone,  
  
It's getting easy to notice,  
  
Famine has now won...  
  
Grovel, grovel,  
  
Cringe, bow, stoop, fall,  
  
Worship, we'll shop!  
  
Beg, kneel, sponge, crawl (x2)  
  
J: I rather like the way you're talking,  
  
Keen and sincere,  
  
Suddenly your moving story  
  
Gets me...right here (points to her heart)  
  
Sis: This is what we hoped you'd say!  
  
J: All this tugging at my heartstrings  
  
Seems quite justified,  
  
I shall give you clothes you came for,  
  
And lots more besides!  
  
Sis: Thank-you, Thank-you,  
  
Cringe, bow, stoop, fall,  
  
Worship, we'll shop!  
  
Beg, kneel, sponge, crawl (x2)  
  
(music gets faster)  
  
N: Josie handed them bags filled with clothes,  
  
And they grovelled like you would suppose,  
  
Then unseen Josie nipped out around the back,  
  
And planted a necklace in young Becky's sack,  
  
When the sisters were ready to go,  
  
Josie turned to them all with a terrible stare and said...  
  
J: No!  
  
No!  
  
No, no, NO!  
  
*Blurt - blubbing, crying, sobbing, etc. 


	13. Whos the Thief? Becky Calypso

You should know by now that I don't own it.  
  
# # # # # #  
  
Who's The Thief?  
  
Kids: Stop!  
  
J: You robbers, your think that I'm an ass!  
  
One of you has stolen my precious gold necklace!  
  
N: Josie started searching  
  
Through her sisters bags,  
  
Everyone was nervous,  
  
They should be, the stupid hags*  
  
Kids: Who's the thief, who's the thief? (x2)  
  
N: Is it Ruby?  
  
Kids: No!  
  
N: Is it Simone?  
  
Kids: No!  
  
N: Is it Natalie?  
  
Kids: No!  
  
N: Is it Dani?  
  
Kids: No!  
  
N: Is it Ashley?  
  
Kids: No!  
  
N: Is it Izzy?  
  
Kids: No!  
  
N: Is it Leila? Who could it be? Is it Zelda?  
  
Kids: No!  
  
N: Is it Gabby?  
  
Kids: No!  
  
N: Is it Judy?  
  
Kids: No!  
  
N: Is it her? (points to Becky)  
  
Could it be?  
  
Could it be?  
  
Could it be?  
  
Could it be?  
  
Could it possibly be Becky...?  
  
Kids: Yes, Yes, Yes!  
  
*Hags - ugly women  
  
(Music stops. Sisters crouch down, and Josie slowly walks over to Becky. Josie clicks her fingers and Becky holds the bag up for Josie to put her hand into. Josie pulls out the necklace and Becky shouts "NO!". Music starts up again, but slowly)  
  
J: Becky,  
  
You nasty youth,  
  
Your crime has shocked me through my core,  
  
Never in my whole career  
  
Have I encountered this before,  
  
Security,  
  
Grab her!  
  
Take her to the cops,  
  
Make sure she never again walks into a shop...  
  
N & Kids: Each of the sisters fell to their knees...  
  
Sis: Show her some mercy,  
  
Oh boss-figure, please,  
  
She would not do this,  
  
Her taste is too poor,  
  
Arrest us and fine us,  
  
Just to be sure.  
  
Kids: La la la la, la la la la (x2)  
  
~~~~~  
  
Becky Calypso  
  
Sis: Oh no!  
  
Not she!  
  
How you can accuse her is a mystery!  
  
Save her,  
  
Take us,  
  
Becky would never cause this much fuss!  
  
Judy: I hear the till bells,  
  
Ring their song,  
  
They ringing "Girl, you know you got it wrong!"  
  
I hear the voice of Mama in my head,  
  
She saying, girl, you know what she's said?  
  
She said...  
  
Sis: Oh yes!  
  
It's true!  
  
Becky can't do what you thought she'd do,  
  
No how's,  
  
No why's,  
  
It's a misunderstanding, It's all lies!  
  
Judy: Sure as my credit cards are over-due,  
  
Becky wouldn't steal, this is true,  
  
Sure as my sisters need a man,  
  
If you agree, sing it like you can!  
  
Sis: Oh no!  
  
Not she!  
  
How you can accuse her is a mystery!  
  
Save her,  
  
Take us,  
  
Becky would never cause this much fuss!  
  
Sis & Kids: La la la la-la, La la la, La la la la-la la la! (x4)  
  
(shouted) Arriba!  
  
(music slows down as Sisters begin to grovel at Josie's feet)  
  
Sis: Oh no,  
  
Not she,  
  
How you can accuse her is a mystery,  
  
Save her,  
  
Take us,  
  
Becky would never cause this much fuss,  
  
La la la la-la, La la la,  
  
La la la la-la la la  
  
La la la la-la, La la la,  
  
La la la la-la...  
  
La... 


	14. Josie all the Time, Jakoba in Egypt

Don't own it, don't sue me. Mr Lloyd-Webber is great. So is Mr Rice 0:¬)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Josie All The Time  
  
N: And Josie knew by this her sisters  
  
Were honest women,  
  
The time had come, at last,  
  
To reunite them all again  
  
Josie: Don't you know perfect my face?  
  
Is it so hard to see?  
  
That Josie, who you thought was dead,  
  
Your sister... (takes off naffo hat-mask combo) ...Is me  
  
(Sisters gasp)  
  
Sis: Josie, Josie,  
  
Is it really true?  
  
Josie, Josie,  
  
Is it really you?  
  
Whole Company (minus Josie): Josie! Josie!  
  
~~~~~  
  
Jackie in Egypt  
  
(Sisters cheer and run offstage. Becky trips over and Narrator helps her up. Becky looks stunned)  
  
Jo: (said) Becky, come on!  
  
(Becky and Josie run offstage together)  
  
N, Kids and Dancers: (sang) Josie, How can we ever say  
  
All that we want to about you?  
  
We're so glad that you came our way...  
  
Becky: (runs onstage and points)(shouted) Hey! Look!  
  
(Enter whole company, plus Jackie from the wings, Becky welcomes Jackie)  
  
Whole Company: So Jackie came to Egypt,  
  
No longer feeling cold,  
  
And Josie came to meet her  
  
In her company car of gold,  
  
Of gold,  
  
Of gold,  
  
Of gold...  
  
(Josie and Narrator meet for the first time. Josie turns, sees Jackie and falls to her feet. Jackie helps Josie up. Josie is making no eye contact with Jackie until directed) 


	15. The FiNaLe!

Wow, nearly finished! I do honestly hope you've enjoyed my awful musical which makes no sense to you whatsoever but you chose to read it and I'm deeply pleased. I DON'T OWN IT please don't sue me.  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
Finale: Any Dream Will Do/Give Me My Coloured Goat  
  
J: I close my eyes...  
  
Drew back the curtain  
  
To see for certain,  
  
What I thought I knew,  
  
Far, far away,  
  
Someone was crying,  
  
But the world were lying...down  
  
Any dream will do  
  
(Josie makes eye contact with Jackie) {key change!}  
  
I had...your goat  
  
Kids: She had your goat  
  
J: With gold bed lining  
  
Kids: Bed of hay  
  
J: It's coat was shining  
  
Wonderful and new  
  
And in the East  
  
Kids: And in the East  
  
J: The dawn was breaking,  
  
And the world was waking  
  
Whole Company: Any dream will do!  
  
J: A crash of drums  
  
A flash of light,  
  
My coloured goat  
  
Ran out of sight  
  
Whole Company: The colours faded into darkness  
  
J: I was left alone,  
  
May I return?  
  
Kids: May I return?  
  
J: To the beginning,  
  
The light is dimming,  
  
And my dream is too,  
  
The world and I  
  
Kids: The world and I  
  
J: We are still waiting,  
  
Still hesitating  
  
Whole Company: Any dream will do! ~ Give me my coloured goat,  
  
My amazing coloured goat!  
  
Give me my coloured goat,  
  
My amazing coloured...  
  
Goat!  
  
*wild applause*  
  
Reprises and Bows, and songs are re-sang for the audiences torture...um...I mean, pleasure.  
  
*curtain falls*  
  
Announcer Dude: We would like to thank you for surviving the critically criticised musical, Josie and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat. Please feel free to sue. 


End file.
